How Close Are You To Living The Life That Truly Excites you?
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As Valentine's Day has just passed, spring is coming our way … and suddenly it feels like singles all over the world feel an increasing desire for love and oneness. What about you? Living a happy-ever-after-relationship? Or single as well? Or maybe when looking at your current relationship you feel like you would like to move on, finding the partner that truly adores you?
In recent days a few similar posts have popped into my newsfeed: on the tiredness of being single; about the jerks on the dating scene; others not being ready or emotionally available. Mostly - as usual - women speak up and out, courageous and vulnerable enough to share their heart and desires. Beautiful women, crazy women, spiritual women, adorable women - every one special for many reasons; each one of them however single or unhappy with their partner or last dating experience.
Having guided and supported quite a few people, I decided to write about a few observations I made. Maybe one or another will help you to gain new insights.
Whatever it is that you desire in life but do not (yet) have (in this case a relationship): In my experience it boils down to only two possibilities: Either you are asking for the wrong things, or you are asking in the wrong way. Simple as that. Otherwise you would have it.
Do you disagree? Well, that’s okay. But just for a few moments I invite you to consider: What if this is true? What if I am asking for the wrong things in my life, or am asking in the wrong way? What if looking at these two aspects would help me to get what my soul actually really desires?
In favor of the people who disagree I have to admit - in relationships there seems to be a limiting factor: good men out there. So many guys appear to be emotional unavailable (LINK) But I will get to that point as well. Actually often I wonder why women accept partners way below their intelligence, spirituality and emotional maturity. I’m not sure if that’s true or statistical relevant, but I see more and more women turning to a female partner; like they are fed up with men, given up on them; some undercover (often in top level management and public life), many openly. But that's a topic for another post.
What do I mean with "asking for the wrong things"?
People are focusing on what they think will be good for them. That’s normal and actually a good thing. Even if they do not think about themselves in the first place ("I have to do it for that person / for that reason"), that’s actually not true. If they wouldn’t believe there is something in it for them, they wouldn’t do it.
But the problem is in the statement itself - they think that might be good for them, but maybe actually it’s not. To illustrate the point I often say it’s like the obsession to be the first one planting palm trees on an iceberg, with the desire to see them growing. Is this actually what your soul desires, or is your ego telling you to achieve something you might not be "designed or destined for? If your body is small, asking to become a basketball hero might be asking for the wrong thing. If you are an artist by soul, asking to become a top lawyer or even getting great results in mathematics might be not bring you what your soul really is craving for.
If things don’t happen as we believe they must happen, we are often simply protected from unnecessary pain, hurt, struggle or disappointment. God, the universe or whatever you believe in simply has a better plan for you, and you might be guided to experience something more relevant, something more expansive. So have a look if what you think you want will really bring what your heart desires.
In my experience however the main issue is that we are asking the wrong way.
1) The Power of the Word
In some posts I read the following: "I am so tired of being single.“ , "My spark is slowly dying day by day“, "I don't want any maybes“, "I can't fall in love“, „I only meet men who are not ready“
Ladies, this is what you believe and this is what you are sending out. Whatever you focus on, magnifies. There is either a positive thought, a positive feeling, hence a high vibration, or a negative one. You get what you give, and you will not get what you are not willing to give in the first place. If you are tired of being single, you will find yourself in more and more situations and circumstance where you will feel tired and will remain single. Your vibration is "I’m tired“, "I’m single", "I can’t fall in love". When you believe this, why should anyone else believe differently?
Subtle changes in your vibration can work miraculously. In horse racing, the difference between winning and 2nd place is often a nose length. Who remembers the one that came in second?
Which words are you actually using?
"Good men are rare" by the way is also a belief.
2) Clarity of Focus
Do you really know what you want? In detail? Are you clear about what you really want, and what you don't?
There are three types of focus: a specific, a general, and a vibrational focus.
A specific focus is e.g. "I want John to be my husband/ Kate to be my wife.“ But maybe John and Kate don’t want that, and maybe sooner or later you would find out that Kate or John would not be the partner you desire? Look around and ask yourself how many women (and men probably too) are in relationships that actually don’t make them happy our even appreciated.
A general focus is to have a list of your ideal partner's traits: looks, character, beliefs etc. Have you created this list? Are you sure that everything you desire is on that list? Are you constantly fine tuning it? Every experience you are making will help you to fine-tune this list, by adding what you desire (not by adding what you don’t desire! See point one ...) If you, for example, attracted someone who cheated on you, don’t add to the list 's/he doesn’t cheat on me' but rather what you really want, e.g. 's/he loves me unconditionally and wants to only be with me, and receives in our relationship everything s/he desires".
The mostly forgotten part, the secret if you may want to use that word, is the vibrational, or emotional component. While most people add to the list what they want to see in the other partner, they almost never add how they want to feel in the relationship. This is however the most important component. Imagine you attract your dream partner, and s/he makes you feel lonely, lost, empty, angry or jealous. Please take a deep look at how you want to feel in the relationship. E.g. "In my relationship with my wonderful loving partner I want to feel loved, adored, appreciated, respected and fulfilled. I want to feel that this is the dream relationship I always wanted, and I want to feel grateful every day for my blessings."
3) Processing the Past
More often than not, a belief or a fear stops you from getting what you really want. Otherwise you would have it. There is a counter vibration active, a contradicting thought hindering the process. I’ve realized that most often it is a traumatic situation, very often in early childhood. This formed a belief or a fear, and as many people are not willing to process the past, especially when there is real trauma or abuse, they suppress this, and with that keep the door closed for further experiences that would change their belief ("I am unlovable/ unworthy / undesirable / difficult / what’s wrong with me" etc.) These and many other beliefs have a cause, a root, and until this cause has not been processed, your story owns you.
The belief that good men are rare might also have the roots in your past, having experienced or observed traumatic situations.
FREE QUIZ: How Close Are You To Living The Life That Truly Excites You? Check Out Now
FREE QUIZ: How Close Are You To Living The Life That Truly Excites You?
4) Willingness to change
How happy or unhappy are you in your current life? What are you willing to give up?
Even when someone desires something, often they are actually not really willing to accept change, or to give up something that they are used to, something that they maybe even created to prevent them from what their soul truly desires. Ego and fear actually are real - they are designed to protect our physical body. What would you give up to get what you really want? It might be a belief, a fear, or some comfort you build for yourself. What would change if you have a constant relationship, living with someone - what is it that you fear to lose? What is that that you might have to give up?
If you are willing to change, working with like-minded people might seem like a good idea. Actually I believe it’s not - what can you learn from someone who thinks just like you? If you mingle with other singles, they can only teach you what they know - and what keeps them single.
I also know that there are many good books out there to support you own your journey. The issue with information is that without implementing and applying it, it remains only informational, but not transformational.
On a scale of 0 - 10, - what’s your willingness to accept change of your single status? On a scale of 0 - 10, how willing are you to do whatever it takes to change this status (without sacrificing your soul’s true desire , of course!)?
Multiply these two numbers together (0 - 100, and) you will find your readiness for a relationship.
5) Fear of Joy
This is a big one. I’ve experienced that the majority of people are not allowing themselves to feel joy because they are afraid of it. More precisely, to maybe lose joy again after they have experienced it. They are afraid that when in a perfect relationship the partner could die, walk away or whatever, and after a shorter or longer moment of joy they would loose it again. Losing what you have seems to many to be more painful than to never have it at all. So they decide it is better to stay numb. Even if they believe they are ready to receive what they desire, they decide it might be better to play it safe and keep the status quo. The feeling of hope might be better than even the slightest possibility of disappointment.
Another way to look at what I call Fear of Joy might be seen as an unconscious belief that ones path towards ones dream might end in misery. A fear of not reaching that dream, of feeling we are not as powerful as we thought we were. Many dreams get buried under the fear of joy.
Ladies, I know, there is no-one-size-fits-all approach. I wish I could deliver your personal solution to you on a silver platter. But each one of you is different, with a different past, and each one of you deserves complete joy, happiness and bliss. But I hope the above gives you some ideas what to look for, what to change in your current attitude.
Only you can solve it. Maybe a good coach might help you to find what is really holding you back from living a life of true meaning, belonging, and purpose.
Trust me, there are good men out there. And one might be wait for you, waiting until you are ready.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Jay currently lives in Cape Town, South Africa. A place he calls home. Jay’s expertise is to support and guide inspired individuals to transition from a profit oriented business career to a purpose driven business career. He recently started MasterStories.com, a platform on which individuals can share and process their personal story. Most excited however he is about starting The Bridge with his nephew Henri, who currently resides in Prague - two generations, inhabiting completely different parts of the world, coming together for the mutual intention of uplifting three and more generations! - Check out Jay and Henri's FREE QUIZ "How close are you to living the life that truly excites you?"